Relationship Counseling in a Nutshell

What communication and conflict resolution skills do you need for interpersonal relationships? The checklist below lets you take stock of your strengths and weaknesses and set goals for growth and development. Talk about each item with one or more people who know you well.

Score each item as okay (5 points), some change needed (3 points), or much change needed (1 point).

Remember: the point isn’t to get a high score but to improve your relationships and your connections with others!

A. General Skills (14)

1. Asserts self

2. Exhibits patience

3. Clarifies expectations and requests

4. Respects other viewpoints

5. Takes responsibility for own conduct and well-being

6. Verbalizes feelings

7. Participates actively in conversation

8. Listens and tries to understand without dominating

9. Does not assume responsibility for others’ problems or happiness

10. Respects others’ personal space

11. Sets and observes limits with others

12. Makes and receives apologies

13. Forgives self and others

14. Asks for help

B. Listening Skills (12)

15. Reflects others’ statements, asks for confirmation

16. Mirrors body language of speaker

17. Asks open-ended questions

18. Listens without interrupting

19. Does not finish other people’s sentences for them

20. Allows others to finish speaking

21. Asks for clarification as necessary

22. Tolerates silence and pauses

23. Hears disagreement without becoming defensive

24. Notices nonverbal cues

25. Exhibits sensitivity to others’ feelings in the moment

26. Affirms engagement while listening (“Really?””I see,” etc.)

C. Support and Trust (9)

27. Puts self in others’ shoes (shows empathy)

28. Extends trust gradually

29. Offers encouraging comments

30. Accepts others’ statements of feeling as genuine

31. Takes interest in others’ situations

32. Invites trust, acts predictable

33. Avoids criticism of others, does not judge

34. Acknowledges and accepts differing viewpoints

35. Responds when asked for help

D. Emotional Responsiveness (8)

36. Exhibits a sense of humor

37. Avoids sarcasm, name-calling, insults, or hurtful remarks

38. Conveys appreciation and acceptance

39. Addresses conflict in terms of feelings, not right or wrong

40. Acknowledges own feelings

41. Does not impose own feelings or values on others

42. Voices negative feelings

43. Hears others’ feelings while staying connected with own

E. Collaborating Skills (7)

44. Resolves conflicts promptly

45. Treats other people as peers

46. Seeks a win-win solution to problems

47. Focuses on the present going forward, not the past

48. Does not harbor grudges

49. Accommodates others’ opinions

50. Takes a positive attitude toward possibilities

Scoring. After completing the inventory, review and score the list. Evaluate your score using the guidelines set forth below.

226 – 250 Excellent Relationship Skills

181 – 225 Average Relationship Skills

50 – 180 Work Needed

Relationship Counseling in a Nutshell

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